so, Deidara
by IceCrome
Summary: Sasori tries to get Deidara, and learns to never trust Hidan again. Cheesy pick-up lines, ho. SasoDei


_Sasori is completely OOC and I LOVE IT._

_Originally and idea for Ouran that didn't go anywhere._

_© Kishimoto_

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"Sasori, you're a fucking moron."

Indeed, as Hidan so eloquently put it, Sasori _was _a 'fucking moron'. The elder shot the Jashinist a glare that would kill a puppy on contact. Hidan smirked, closing his eyes and leaning back in the wooden chair.

"Blondie _does _like you too, you know. I mean shit, Puppet! You're the only person he's _ever_ referred to as 'danna'. Well, with the exception of Kisame, but that's only because he gave Deidara 'The talk'...Anyway, you do know that is has a double goddamn meaning, right?" Hidan said, placing his arms behind his neck. Sasori tilted his head sideways, the I-look-constantly-stoned look still plastered on his face.

"Really?"

"How the _hell_...it means husband too, you jackass." Sasori blinked.

"Oh..._oh_..." Sasori smacked his forehead, and Hidan walked up, and sashayed (walking is _overrated_) over to Sasori, giving him a mixture between a noogie and a ruffle on the hair.

"Don't worry, puppet, I've got a fool-proof idea!"

A little part in Sasori died inside.

* * *

"Hidan, are you sure this will work?" Sasori said, nervously. He was never nervous, however, this time he was quite nervous because this is _Hidan._

"Yes, I'm fucking _sure._ Now stop being a pussy." Hidan gave Sasori a light shove towards the blond. The puppet started to shake a little.

Deidara sat on the table, being incessantly annoyed by their Akatsuki member-in-training. He kicked the swirl-face off of him, and Tobi ran off to do...something. Sasori took a sharp inhale, and walked up calmly to the bomber.

"Eh...? Sasori-danna, what are you doing, un?" Sasori sashayed over to Deidara, and he put his hands on his shoulders. The terrorist furrowed his eyebrows. What the hell was going on?

"Are you from heaven, Deidara?" Deidara dumbly turned his head up to look at Sasori, who was smirking smugly. Deidara did not like that. Not one bit. He nervously bit down on his lip, trying to figure out what the _hell _was wrong with his Danna.

"Dan...na?"

"'Cause I've got an erection." Sasori smirked, and Deidara made a face of horror (and maybe slight constipation), slowly stood up, and walked out of the room. It was a big lipped alligator moment. (1) Sasori was left utterly confused, while the Jashinist stood back and watched with amusement, stifling a laugh.

"Okay okay. Maybe we should re-group, Puppet." Hidan said, biting his lip hard to keep laughter from coming out. Sasori gave a slight nod.

"Alright. Let's try again."

* * *

Sasori peered behind the wall to see Deidara eating some natto. Hidan snickered slightly, but put a thumbs up. Sasori held his head up high as he swayed his sexy puppet hips over to Deidara again. Deidara flipped aimlessly through 'Ninjas Weekly', seemingly disinterested.

Sasori took yet another sharp breath, back straightening and eyes closed momentarily. He went to Deidara's right side, leaning down to face the sitting man.

"What is it Danna, un?" Deidara said, eyes shifting over to the older man who was quite close to his face. Deidara blushed slightly.

"I have a question." Deidara tilted his head to the side in curiosity. He blinked.

"If I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?" Deidara furrowed his eyebrows slightly, but eyes immediately widening as he got the horrible pick-up line. Deidara pinched the bridge of his nose, and let out a deep sigh, once again getting up and leaving the room.

"Hidan, you _ass. _I think my rusty castrating spork is going to have a goddamn _field day _with you."

"Oh _fuck_."

* * *

Deidara, not nearly as blond as everybody _thought_, quickly caught on to what Sasori was doing. And every chance he would shoot him down. It wasn't like he didn'twant to be with the puppet master, it's just that he would prefer if he _actually told him _instead of _strongly implying it. _

"Hey Deidara, what's your sign?"

"Do not enter."

"I want to visit Uranus."

"Have fun building a rocket, un."

"Hey Deidara-senpai, could you—?"

"BITCH, STEP _OFF_." Sasori shoved Tobi away, and made come-hither looks at Deidara, who was still sitting across the table from him, a rather bored look on his face.

"Anyway, your tag is showing, Deidara. It says 'made in Heaven'."

"I wasn't an in vitro fertilization you _ass, _un."

"Hey Deidara, is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can totally see myself in those pants."

"I'm wearing a robe, un."

"Hey Deidara, on Easter, can I find your Easter eggs? With my penis?"

"Do you even _have _reproductive organs Danna, un?" Sasori licked his lips seductively.

"You wanna find out?" Deidara blushed.

"...any more, Danna?"

"...Are you a medic-nin? Because you're drawing my blood. Into my furious erection."

"Christ_..._"

"...wanna fuck?"

"_No._"

* * *

"Hidan, _why am I watching this again._" Kakuzu said, his eye half lid with boredom. Hidan gave a large, cocky smile.

"Oh come _on!_ I needed a witness to see Sasori crash and burn, goddammit! I mean seriously 'Kuzu, it's hi_-fucking_-larious. Plus, remember that time he killed my fucking goldfish? I mean, I managed to keep him alive for _three whole months _without him dying! That's like seventy goddamn human years!" Hidan flailed, and Kakuzu punched him in the face, cracking his knuckles afterwards.

"Hidan. You are a moron. You do realize he's going to castrate you if he sees you, right? I don't want to sew your penis back on. Hilarious as it may be, you going around dickless would make you prone to more bitching. Not to mention that I am not going to have an awkward moment with you by sewing your penis back on."

"But—!"

"No."

"BUT—!"

"_No_."

Hidan seethed, settling for letting Kakuzu leave and watching himself. An evil glint in his eye cometh forth as he immediately thought of this as horrible, but juicy blackmail.

* * *

"Konan-sama, may I have a word with you, un?" Deidara walked up to the blue-haired kunoichi, who looked up from reading 'Maiming Jinchuuriki for fun and profit'. She closed it, and set it down on the coffee table next to her. Deidara walked up to where she was sitting, discarding his robe, stripped down to a plain black t-shirt (because his _epic _mesh shirts were dirty and needed to be cleaned) and the usual pants.

"Deidara-kun, to what do I owe this fine visit?" She sipped on a cup of tea, pinkie raised elegantly into the air. She set the cup back down onto the small plate.

"Well, un, Sasori-danna has been acting..._rather peculiar. _I mean, he keeps using these..._awful, _and I mean _awful _pick-up lines that _anybody in their right mind _know wouldn't work." Konan let out a small chuckle.

"I think it's his..._unique _way of trying to tell you he has some sort of feeling for you. It's not that rare in the Akatsuki to have affection for your partner. Tobi and Zetsu do. As do Pein and I." Deidara crinkled his nose. Didn't Zetsu have that big-ass plant around him?

"I _do _respect him, and I..._suppose _I harbor _something _for him."

"Then simply tell him if you want the lines to stop." Deidara stuck out his lower lip in thought, nodding his head.

"Simple enough. Thank you, Konan-sama."

"Konan-_chan. _I have told you enough already, Deidara-kun." She chuckled again, and picked her book back up as Deidara left the room.

* * *

"You must get a lot of iron in your diet, because the magnet in my pants is going haywire."

"Sasori-no-danna, un..."

"Hey, I want you. In bed. With me."

"Danna..."

"You be the iceberg, I'll be the Titanic and go down on you."

"_Danna..._"

"So I heard you like Mudkips."

"_Sasori-no-danna!_" Deidara shouted at his master, leaving the redhead somewhat startled. He looked at Deidara, and the blond didn't look mad. Or furious. Or _any _angry emotion. Hell, he look...amused? Cheeky? Shy, almost.

"Danna, you know you don't _have _to do this. I like you, un." Deidara said, making the puppet master tilt his head to the side, and blink several times.

"Wha-what? Really? Why didn't you stop me until now?" Sasori said, slightly annoyed that he had to wait _this long. _Waiting was aggravating.

Deidara gave a cheeky grin, "Well, I wanted to see how many of those horrible things you had in you. I was kinda shocked at the amount, un. I mean, Danna, who _gave _you that idea anyway? It was quite stupid, un." He said, grinning cheekily. Sasori rolled his eyes.

"Hidan..." The name was venom and he would _so _kill his other goldfish later. While Sasori was distracted with plotting Hidan's downfall, a bright light bulb went on over Deidara's head.

Deidara sashayed over to Sasori, and gave him a chaste kiss on the lips, catching the puppeteer off guard. He smirked, and grabbed Deidara's head and small of the back, forcing him to stay longer. The blond gave a small squeak of surprise, but quickly deepened it, burying his hands in Sasori's hair. Sasori broke off, Deidara breathing heavily and a thin strand of saliva connecting them.

"So...wanna do something tonight, Dei-_chan_?" He said mockingly, but Deidara only grinned.

"Yeah. You."

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_(1) A big lipped alligator moment is a moment in time where something happens randomly that is random, stupid, and inconvenient to the plot. Like the pink elephants in Dumbo. Look up Nostalgia Critic's review of Ferngully and you'll know what I'm talking about._

_This was way too much fun to write. _


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